Punishment for Being Bad

Parents, guardians, family members, community, media - all have a role to play in instructing and influencing a child or an impressionable mind as to the difference between right and wrong or what is deemed as good and desirable behaviour and what is not. To that end, corporal and verbal punishments have been employed and in accordance with what a community or generation has viewed as being a preferred or accepted norm.

The most commonly cited goal or intent of any punishment is that it should send a clear message to a child and to all others observing, that they must refrain from certain behaviour and should learn to fit in with what others expect of them and of what is deemed as proper conduct. Corporal punishment communicates its message through pain whilst verbal punishment communicates through the shaming of an individual.

Whatever the intent, the only interpretation of punishment that a child is capable of making is "I am bad" or "my behaviour is bad and I can or should choose differently in future". The effectiveness of any punishment will include whether the person administering it is careful to explain its intended purpose to the child, so that they are able to discern a judgment of bad as not being made against their character but on their behaviour instead. Another important factor is whether a child is loved and has been given a sense of value in the environment in which they live.

Any form of punishment is an act of purposeful behaviour modification or control. It is also an outlet for many unconscious and unreasonable attitudes of those administering the punishments. Corporal punishment has lost its popularity in recent times, but shaming as a form of punishment has not been as widely questioned in light of its effect and repercussions, although this is changing. 

An informative article by Daniel Goleman, entitled 'Shame Steps out of Hiding and into Sharper Focus' published in 1987 in The New York Times, said that "Feelings of shame begin to  emerge in the second year of life, at the very formation of the infant's sense of self, developmental psychologists say. As the infant realizes that he is a separate person, he is first able to understand that others are directing emotional messages to him. Pride and shame appear - pride at pleasing others and shame at displeasing them."

He said, "Everybody experiences shame, but part of the reason it has been so elusive, in psychological terms, is that it has been overshadowed by the study of guilt. It is also difficult to measure and harder to bring into the open than many other emotions that researchers study with ease."

And, "Guilt usually refers to feelings about an act, a transgression real or imagined. It does not necessarily bring with it self-loathing as shame does. Shame goes to one's basic sense of self and is most often experienced as embarrassment or humiliation. The experience of shame is invariably and literally humbling. Shame is in many instances a normal enough feeling but it becomes emotionally dangerous when it starts to color one's most basic idea about who one is, or how worthy one is."

In the same article Goleman quoted Dr Nathanson as saying, "A sense of shame drives some people to build an inflated self-image through the pursuit of fame and excessive amounts of money ... they hope to convince themselves of their own worth and lovability through their accomplishments."

Dr Thomas Scheff, a sociologist at the University of California at Santa Barbara, said that "Shame is a master emotion ... whenever shame enters the picture, we inhibit the free expression of emotion, with the exception of anger ...shame is the emotion most difficult to admit and to discharge."

And also, "When marital partners use shaming as a weapon, their fights escalate dramatically ... shame and rage amplify each other in a dangerous spiral ... shame is the hidden motive in feuds and vendettas that go on forever ... it is humiliations to a group, assaults on their honor and pride, which make them, in turn, avenge themselves by humiliating the other group. The shame and rage get passed on from generation to generation. You see it in many of the ancient rivalries of the Middle East."

Andrew Morrison, a psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School, said that "A child's sense of not being affirmed or supported in his strivings leaves him feeling the world does not respond to him at all ... to have such an unmet need for support and response is in itself a source of shame ... for such people in adulthood, just to feel anything other than self-sufficiency - a need for support, for attention, for physical contact - is a source of shame."

These findings are similar to those of Dr Marilyn Mason, a family therapist at the University of Minnesota Medical School, when she said "Entire families can share feelings of shame over such events as a suicide or bankruptcy, or problems like an alcoholic parent. The sense of shame can persist over generations ... the family's implicit rule becomes not to talk about painful life experiences of all kinds ... the sense of shame leads them to become emotionally controlled and to set demanding standards for themselves."

It would seem then, that enough research has been done and is able to conclude that an act of shaming children is highly toxic and damaging to a child's developing sense of self-esteem, their ensuing ability to feel safe in the world, to trust people and communicate effectively and to develop healthy relationships. There is also the fact that a discomfort of carrying shame can be what causes a person to strive for perfection and to pursue activities in the hope of bolstering their self-image, but which proves to be unable to provide any lasting relief or sense of fulfillment.

We live in an age where we don't have to look around us very far to see the effects of toxic relationships, disintegrating family units, depression, anxiety and ill health, conflicts within communities, consumerism without conscience, insincere values and huge pay gaps, statecraft and increasing surveillance, disenchantment with politicians and the banking system.

What is it about the purposeful use of shame, behaviour modification and control, which has prevailed throughout the centuries and around the world, despite reason and compassion informing us that its use is debilitating and toxic for the release of our gifts into the world, our overall sense of well-being and our participation in community?